SKIT : MEET THE SMITHS : a 21 Century , Sex Positive Family

"Honey I just learned that there is a guy in the neighborhood who has NO interest in sex at all! He has NO sexual orientation whatsoever ! Roger , whatever will we do ?"

THE HUSBAND , "We'll just have to talk to the realtor . See if she can work out some kind of deal on the lease , Nina ! That other neighborhood , that subdivision over in the West Side has some suspected sex offenders , and rumor has it there's a guy who runs around in his underwear even in the winter Sue says that they always have openings for rent there and people are always moving out, if we could just wait out 8 more months !

THE WIFE , " 8 more months, Roger !!!. * 8 more months !.That's a long time to be in a neighborhood, where there's a guy who just walks his dog, collects rocks , and spends quaint , passe NON-sexual afternoons with his friends , and NEVER has sex , keeps to himself , and never even jacks off ! Think of the kids, Roger , there's a guy who never gets involved in sex in the neighborhood , the kids could wind up living a sheltered life , living in a neighborhood with people like him !!!!

"The neighbors here might never make the local news, or even be on CNN for anything exciting !

THE HUSBAND : "Honey, you are so right ! I've underestimated the whole problem ! Why 8 months are all it takes for a child to live a sheltered life... without them being exposed to anything sordid . 8 months are all it takes for us to get into a comfort zone . We've got to not get into any comfort zone, or were liable to never get out ! We've got to leave this bigoted neighborhood (maybe they're not all bigots, but one sexless apple could ruin the whole barrell) .Screw the lease , Nina.!

There's a guy at the at the adult film Store he works on weekends . He has two sons who could help us move for maybe a few bucks , plus I plan to detail his car for him next month , so we don't even have to call U-Haul !
The subdivision over on the West Side is the same district , believe it or not , so the kids won't even have to change schools ! "

THE WIFE : (Sighs) "That's a relief !"
(adds) . "That's my Roger always using his resources !"

THE HUSBAND : "Honey, isn't it time for the Sopranos ?"

THE WIFE:: " We've got time yet . There's another 15 minutes before it comes on . I'm recording an issue of the Family Guy for Jasmine . With Kindergarden starting up , she'll be able to teach the kids new cuss words , and show that were a 21 Century family, and that the Smith household doesn't raise any sheltered bigots or placid feebs .

THE HUSBAND : "That's the shiznik ! Honey , I love you-- upscale , high maintence warts and all !"

THE WIFE (takes out a bidi cigarette) Oh, Rog , do you think that Zowie will be bringing by that Natural Ice bottle that she's been heating tonight after all are or are she and Ashton and Lu going to Lizzy's opening at the club tonight ?

THE HUSBAND : Oh, I talked to her this morning and she's not going tonight . The herpes is acting up beisdes she's seen the Annie Sprinkle routine before and has gotten bored with it . She's got the bottle and has been heating in the oven ?

THE WIFE: Um...kay (pause) So is she going to stop by tonight .? (I got the lubricant ready) She exhales a long strand of smoke .

THE HUSBAND : She said she'd be by at 10:15 .

THE WIFE : Oh, that's going to be so existential , Rog .

THE HUSBAND : For shizzle ! You can take the girl out of the skank, but you can't take the skank out the girl .....